Don’t Fret Tracks: Daydreams by Hannah Bowers

I wrote this song out of a burst of motivation. Motivation after months of hopelessness and sameness. I was in a pattern of waking up in the morning and not wanting to. I greeted my days with dread, feeling so sure I couldn’t possibly find anything to enjoy. One morning I guess I was just tired of it. I woke up and thought to myself, “this is my life, why should I let myself feel this way everyday?”. I found strength in my refusal to remain depressed. And from that I drew inspiration, and wrote this song to myself.

There are so many lines in this song that I needed to start believing. That I couldn’t sit back and wait for it to get better. That nothing and no one was going to help me change, and that nothing would change until I took responsibility for it. In the song I talk about how difficult this process is to grasp. This amount of responsibility is daunting, and it’s easy to find excuses to remain in your state of darkness. Living in that state is easy at best, but hazy, and numb when not painful.

I am not suggesting we neglect our pain. There are emotions we cannot avoid, real emotions that deserve to be felt. But there’s a fine line I had a habit of crossing – one that’s incredibly hard to find – where you let the sadness creep into everything else in your life. Everything is sad. Everything is hard. Nothing is worth it. No one cares. This pattern of “everything this”, “nothing that” is so poisonous.  It convinces you that there are no other feelings, and that feelings themselves are not worth acknowledging because they are so draining. Suddenly you find yourself neglecting anything positive in your life at all. Your thoughts are infected, skewed from clarity and perspective.

I claimed myself a victim of my sadness. I blamed the world for keeping me where I was. Happier asleep, only at peace with the life in my dreams (where the song gets its title, “Daydreams”). At the end of the song you can really hear me breaking out of this state of mind; forcing my eyes open and body to move out of its state of paralysis. I hated that place I was in so much. I hated feeling powerless. So I decided I’d do whatever I could to get out of it. I would work, I would use my body, I would speak up, I would breathe deep, live openly, and find something new. And I starting finding other emotions. I clung to every thing I could control that wasn’t owned by sadness. I started making my life mine again.

The very last lines are the best advice I’ve ever given myself, and I hope it’s able to shake others back into reality too.

“Today is not invading your time or your personal space
Today is not a daydream
Your dreams are all that’s left when you’re awake
Wake up”

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